Dinner with the best friend who is pregnant

Last week I got a dinner invite from my best friend (the one who is pregnant but who has never wanted kids). I was dreading it all week. I love her to bits and we’ve been through so much together over the years but I’m just SOOO unbelievably annoyed with her right now. I’m pissed that she’s pregnant and I’m losing my baby. I’m pissed that she gets to be pregnant when they didn’t even want kids. I’m pissed that nitwit doesn’t want kids but didn’t bother to use birth control. I’m irritated her irresponsible choices have led to baby #2 she and her husband can’t even afford.

I almost canceled but decided I better just suck it up and deal with it. Am I just not going to see her ever again? Sooner or later I’d have to talk to her. (I never thought I’d feel such animosity towards my best friend! A bit of a discovery there on my part!)

Anyway, the dinner was fine actually. The first few minutes were clearly awkward but I managed not to have a total meltdown (although addressing the elephant in the room was tempting). I must admit there’s a part of me that wanted to tell her exactly how I was feeling but I bit my tongue and after a few minutes the topic of conversation went to pretty light topics that had nothing to do with her pregnancy or mine.

It was an ok/nice initial face-to-face after everything that’s happened. And I left there glad I had met with her for dinner.  Although I honestly can’t say going forward how our friendship may be changing. Right now I don’t want a whole lot to do with her. Maybe that’s wrong but it’s just how I feel right now. If they had been wanting, hoping, planning, and praying for another baby it would be completely different, I’d be so happy for them. But right now I guess you could say it just feels like adding insult to injury.

HCG levels still high

Went back in for more blood work yesterday and was expecting my hcg levels to be down around the 4000 mark as my nurse had indicated that was the “hope”. Nope! My levels only dropped by several hundred. At this rate it could seriously be another several months before I’m officially deemed “not pregnant” anymore. This is like the worst miscarriage ever. I feel like some mutant freak! I’m pregnant but….I’m not pregnant. It’s so odd. My nurse simply said sometimes it takes certain people longer to respond to the shots. And since I’m not in extreme pain (apparently my bathroom issues don’t count) then I’m just going to have to wait it out. This seems like an extra cruel knife through the heart. Knowing my baby isn’t going to live and then having to wait WEEKS (maybe even months) before the ectopic pregnancy is officially over is just devastating. It’s just prolonging the misery of this terrible and very sad situation.

Now that’s a fucked up twist of fate

I feel guilty for even thinking this, let alone writing it on my blog but it’s really eating away at me. So here goes…..my best friend is expecting a baby. If I wasn’t going through an ectopic pregnancy we would have been due within a week of each other. So here we have two best friends. One has always been crazy about kids, has always wanted to be a mother, has been trying so hard to get pregnant, has the resources to take care of a baby, finally DOES get pregnant and loses her baby. Then you have the other friend who has never even wanted children (that’s all we’ve heard about for the past 20 years) but is now on her second “accident” in less than two years for no other reason than they weren’t using any type of birth control at any point in time. They then have the nerve to act surprised by it!  Hello! This isn’t MTV’s 16 and Pregnant! You’re educated adults in your 30’s and you have a 1-year old as a reminder of what happened LAST time you didn’t use protection. Not to mention they’ve been very vocal about not being able to afford the first one!  If they had been planning, hoping, etc for a baby I’d have a much different attitude about all this but given the circumstances it feels pretty irresponsible. Not to mention totally unfair! Yes, I’m jealous and yes I wish it were me. I realize I sound like the worse best friend out there so let the terrible comments fly.  But if that’s not just the most fucked up twist of fate ever then I don’t know what else is!

Levels have started to drop

Yesterday my nurse Carla called to say that my hcg levels ARE in fact starting to drop which means the injections have started to work, even though it doesn’t feel like anything is happening. I’ve gone from over 11,000 to right at 8,000. So on Monday I will get tested again. They hope to see the 8000 drop to around 4000 by Monday.

On a side note- for anyone else who has had an ectopic pregnancy- does going to the bathroom hurt like no other? UGH! It feels like my pelvis/backbone is going to break in half every time I urinate or have a bowel movement. It’s awful. I hope this side effect gets better over the next few weeks. I don’t even want to use the restroom it hurts so bad!

Methotrexate injections don’t seem to be working

Last week I had 2 of the Methotrexate/Cancer shots to be begin the process of dissolving our pregnancy. Now almost a week later there seems to be very little going on. Last week I noticed I had a high fever on Thursday afternoon and my shoulder/collar bone continues to hurt. On Friday when I had my first blood test since the injections I informed my Doctor of what’s going and she told me to basically keep an eye on it. They felt I was stable enough to at least make it through to this next blood test to see if anything is happening. I’m not in agony with my shoulder but it definitely hurts. The ultrasound showed some blood in my abdomen. And when you Google “Shoulder pain ectopic pregnancy” it doesn’t come up with good things to say! Regardless, my HCG hormone levels are suppose to start dropping. I have a blood test in the morning to confirm if that’s taking place. It’s making me nervous wondering what the next step will be if my HCG hormone levels aren’t starting to decrease. They may opt to give me another round of Cancer injections or they may opt to schedule surgery. Losing a baby is horrible for anyone but dragging it out like this makes it just so much worse, it’s heart-wrenching.

Ectopic Pregnancy

I haven’t been on the board much over the last couple of weeks because that Friday we were expecting my period and getting ready to move on to IVF we discovered that I was pregnant. By far the happiest day of my life. When that positive sign came up I felt totally complete. And what a great story! We just took the injection class, paid for IVF, ordered the meds, etc. All to then find out we were expecting and wouldn’t need to move on to IVF! Best story ever! Soooo happy! Just felt like such a wonderful new beginning.

My blood work has been rising as normal over the last couple of weeks. My stomach though had been very upset and painful at times. I’ve been on the medication Metformin and my dosage was recently increased which always leads to diarrhea so I didn’t think much of it. (Side note: I’m not on Metformin for PCOS, insulin regulation, etc. New studies have shown Metformin can be beneficial in general to women who are trying to get pregnant). Last Friday night though I got super sick after dinner. Diarrhea, vomiting, extreme pain and I fainted in our bathroom. I still just thought it was because we had eaten a heavy/rich meal and my medication wasn’t helping the situation.

However, at our first ultrasound appointment last Friday the doctor informed us the baby wasn’t as big as it should have been at 6 weeks. We went back in on Monday and a closer examination showed the baby was in my fallopian tube, an Ectopic Pregnancy. It’s impossible to save the pregnancy. As the baby grows it will burst the fallopian tube. The baby will die and my chance of survival is low as well due to internal bleeding.

Looking back on everything my stomach pains were a very big sign of something being wrong. (It’s not menstrual cramp pain, it’s like horrible stomach ache pain). In addition, later on that night after I fainted I started to have pain in my collar bone/shoulder area. I thought the pain was related to slumping over/falling during my fainting spell. But shoulder pain is a sign of ectopic pregnancy.

The treatment to end our pregnancy began yesterday. Due to the stability of my blood work and how early it is in the pregnancy, my team of doctors felt the termination could be achieved by using an injectable medication called Methotrexate instead of surgery to remove a potion of the fallopian tube. Methotrexate is a cancer medication and comes with side effects similar to Chemo (but on a much smaller scale). It could take a couple weeks for the process to be complete. Our clinic will monitor me with blood work every 4 days to make sure the HCG levels are dropping. If by chance they don’t begin to drop I will either have another round of Methotrexate injections or I will have surgery to remove the fallopian tube/pregnancy.

Yesterday I went back to the doctor where the nurse injected me with two shots on either side of my upper backside (for those wondering or getting ready to go through something similar- the shots to do not hurt/burn)

In that moment I felt such an overwhelming sense of sadness. I knew it was the start of ending our pregnancy, a pregnancy that we had been so hopeful of. I went down to my car and sat there for a long time crying. I said a special prayer for the baby and asked God to take care of it. I also apologized to the baby for not being able to protect it and bring him/her to full term.

I realize I didn’t have a choice but I can’t help but feel I’ve betrayed our child, like I’ve failed as a mother before things even started. It’s just a tremendous sense of sadness and grief. Seeing our baby on the monitor and knowing it was growing in the wrong spot just made feel I instantly couldn’t make it better. Being helpless for your child is the worst feeling in the world, even in the beginning stages.